Greatest customer support phone call in history:
Apple representative 1: Good afternoon sir can I please have your first name
John: John.
Apple representative 1: Can I have your ipod serial number please?
John: I have questions about ipod periferals and not the ipod itself. As well as some general questions.
Apple representative 1: Yes sir but I still need your serial number.
John: Well OK I'll just start with with my general questions first. I need an email address where I can direct technical questions regarding my ipod.
Apple representative 1: You can use our online knowledge base sir.
John: Yes, but I want an actual email address where I can direct technical questions.
Apple representative 1: No such email address exists sir.
John: So you are telling me there is no way for me to send an email to apple regarding concerns questions or comments I have about the ipod.
Apple representative 1: You can use www.apple.com/feedback to send us feedback sir.
John: OK. Can I get the email address of anyone on the design team for ipod periferals?
Apple representative 1: No sir. You can use www.apple.com/feedback
John: OK. Is there an email address for anyone at apple available?
Apple representative 1: No sir. No such email is available.
John: You're telling me in the entire great apple organization I have no mechanism for sending emails?
Apple representative 1: That is correct sir you have to use www.apple.com/feedback.
John: Do you find it interesting that an organization as large as apple has completely severed itself from emails from the outside world?
Apple representative 1: As I said sir you can use www.apple.com/feedback.
John: Yes, I understand that. But I'm asking you if you find it interesting. I can send an email to the guy who runs the corner store. But the entire apple organization. The outside world is completely severed from it via email. You don't find that odd?
Apple representative 1: No sir I don't find it odd.
John: OK, let me move on. What level of technical proficiency do you expect someoen who uses an ipod to be at?
Apple representative 1: What do you mean sir?
John: How proficient in electronics would you expect someone who uses an ipod to be?
Apple representative 1: Well I don't know sir. There are people who are very unfamiliar with computers and sometimes I answer questions for people who know more about computers than I do.
John: Even more than you?
Apple representative 1: Yes sir.
John: And what level would you place your proficiency?
Apple representative 1: I am a windows certified sir.
John: Oh well then you must be very bright
Despirately fights urge to laugh
John: OK, let move on. I own an ipod video and am trying to plug it into my TV using an AV out cable. But it is not working. Can you help me?
Apple representative 1: Is it a dock or does it plug into the earphones?
John: It plugs into the earphones.
Apple representative 1: Is it an apple AV cable or a third party solution.
John: I don't know which of the two it is. If I describe will can you tell me?
Apple representative 1: Yes sir.
John: It plugs into the earphones and had three colours. Red white and yellow.
Apple representative 1: It is a third party solution sir. We do not support third party solutions sir.
John: So there is no way you can make my third party solution work?
Apple representative 1: I will not answer questions relating to third party solutions.
John: But can you make it work?
Apple representative 1: As I said sir I will not answer questions about third part solutions.
John: I understand you will not answer questions. But I am asking the question are you capable of making it work?
Apple representative 1: I refuse to answer that sir.
John: I'm not asking you to answer a question about third party solutions. I'm asking a question about your proficiency with third party solutions
Apple representative 1: Good bye sir
Phone hangs up. I phone apple back.
Apple representative 2: Good afternoon sir can I please have your first name
John: John.
Apple representative 2: Can I have your ipod serial number please?
John Well first I just phoned in and I was treated very rudely then I was hung up on. Can I please get an email address where I can direct criticisms of the phone support. Or can I talk to your manager?
Apple representative 2: My manager will not discuss criticisms sir. You can direct feedback to www.apple.com/feedback.
John: But I want to email my concerns
Apple representative 2: There is no email sir.
John: Not surprised. So anyways getting onto my problems -
Apple representative 2: I can not answer your questions until I have your ipod serial number sir.
John: My questions are not about the ipod itself but about ipod periferals.
Apple representative 2: Yes sir but I will not answer questions until I have your ipod serial number.
John: But my questions are not about my ipod. They are about my ipod periferals. My ipod is logically removed from my ipod periferal questions so you don't need the serial number.
Apple representative 2: I won't answer your questions until I have your serial number sir.
John: My ipod is in a case. It is a bother to take out.
Apple representative 2: I won't answer your questions until I have your serial number sir.
John: You do acknowledge that you don't need the serial number don't you?
Apple representative 2: Please give me the serial number too.
John: OK. I'll give you the serial number. But only after you achnowledge you don't actually need the serial number.
Apple representative 2: I'm not answer you.
John: OK fine. I'll give you the serial number but it is a other. This ipod is in here good. You've already gotten off on a bad foot. You're making me do this for nothing...ok here is the serial number xxxxxxx
Apple representative 2: OK. Please hold...sir your technical support coverage on this ipod has expired.
John: Will you still answer my technical questions?
Apple representative 2: Well it depends on what your questions are. Please ask your questions.
John: No wait. Lets examine this. You MIGHT answer ym questions?
Apple representative 2: It depends on what your questions are.
John: So there are some questions you will answer and some you won't?
Apple representative 2: Please just ask your question sir.
John: My question is there are some questions you'll answer and some you won't?
Apple representative 2: Please ask a technical question sir.
John: And you might answer it?
Apple representative 2: Ask a question.
John: OK. I have an ipod I bought more recently. Should I give you it's serial number?
Apple representative 2: Well just ask your technical question.
John: Well OK. If I ask you a technical question and you don't answer it, because we've established there are some technical questions you won't answer, will you then answer it if I give you my other serial number?
Apple representative 2: Please just ask a question.
John: I'm just saying. I don't want to ask a question, have you not answer it and then have to get my serial number. Maybe I could just save us all time if I gave you the other serial number now.
Apple representative 2: Well OK. Give me that serial number.
John: You know what I'll roll the dice and just ask the question. We'll deal with the consequences later. I own an ipod video and am trying to get my AV out cable to work so I can watch video from my ipod to my TV. But I can't get it to work.
Apple representative 2: Do you have TV out set to on sir?
John: Yes
Apple representative 2: Is is an apple AV cable or a third party solution?
John: I own a third party solution.
Apple representative 2: I can not answer questions about third party solutions sir.
John: So you can't help me?
Apple representative 2: No.
John: OH LOOK. I also have an apple AV cable. Can you help me make that work?
Apple representative 2: Yes sir.
John: Then do proceed. Make it work.
Apple representative 2: Is the TV out set to on?
John: Yes.
Apple representative 2: Is it plugged into the earphone and into the TV.
John: Well it is plugged into the ipod via the headphones. But I can't figure out how to plug it into my TV. The third party solution is colour coded. So I know how to plug it into the TV. But the apple one is just white. I have no idea how to plug it into the TV. Do you understand what I mean?
Apple representative 2: I know exactly what you mean. Give me a minute to pull up the one you have sir...
John: Do you see how I'm confused. The third party had colours. It's easy to figure where stuff goes. But it doesn't work. and the apple one, what the fuck? It's just all white. What do I do?
Apple representative 2: IF you look at the apple plugs there are letters to indicate where the plugs go.
John: There are letters? My eyesight isn't very good. Could you describe them please?
I don't actually have the apple AV cable so I had to probe for information
Apple representative 2: There is an "A" for red, a "V" for yellow and an AUX for white. I'm not sure what letter is for that one.
John: Are the letters in colour?
Apple representative 2: No. There are just letters.
John: Then how am I supposed to know how to plug it into where?
Apple representative 2: It is in the manual sir.
John: But I lost the manual.
Apple representative 2: Well the letter to colour map is in the manual.
John: So the manual is required to use the product?
Apple representative 2: Yes.
John: Wouldn't it make more sense if the letters were coloured so I wouldn't need the manual? I'm not a very intelligent user. Don't you think it would have made things easier for me if the letters were coloured?
Apple representative 2: It is in the manual.
John: Well how am I supposed to associate A with red, V with yellow and aux or whatever the fuck with white. I mean if the letters had been R Y and W then I could have figured it out. Doesn't that make more sense to you?
Apple representative 2: As I said it is in the manual.
John: I know you said it was in the manual. But doesn't what I said make sense?
Apple representative 2: I'm not answering that sir.
John: OK. So since my eye sight isn't very good is there anyway of you having help me make it work instead of finding someone who can see better than me? So this device is broken to the visually impared?
Apple representative 2: Well, yes you need someone who can see but I can help you. Make it work.
John: How so?
Apple representative 2: Well you can try plugging them in randomly.
John: OH, LOW AND BEHOLD. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF TRYING THAT. YOU MUST HAVE A BIG EDUCATION. WHAT I GREAT IDEA. PURE GENIUS.
Apple representative 2: Please don't mock me sire.
John: Well won't it take hours to try all possible permutations of the plugs?
Apple representative 2: No sir. You only have to try it twice.
John: Really? Twice. I would have thought there were three factorial ways of combining it.
Apple representative 2: No sir there are only two way. Lay them flat.
John: Quite right. The design of the plugs makes them an ordered set of three. Only two ways of plugging them from the ordering. But can you see why I would say there are three factorial ways of doing it?
Apple representative 2: No sir you are wrong, there are only two.
John: Well lets just hope the TV plug scheme matches the ordering scheme on the ataching wire or we are lost with three factorial ways.
Apple representative 2: Only two sir.
John: OK. I'm plugging it in now. No didn't work. What do I do now?
Apple representative 2: Turn it over and plug it in sir.
John: Oh right. Sorry. I'm not a very smart user I got lost. Right turn it over and plug it in. OH MY GOD IT WORKED. OH THANK GOD. But but wait a second. Let me try the third party solution too. OH MY GOD THE THIRD PARTY SOLUTION WORKS TOO. So, you knowledge that you are capable of making third party solutions work.
Apple representative 2: We don't support third party solutions.
John: But you do achknowledge your help allowed me to make a third party solution work?
Apple representative 2: I won't support third party solutions sir.
John: But you already did. You allowed me to make a third party solution work. Correct?
Apple representative 2: I'm not answering that.
John: So, it seems to me the difficulty was that the ipod swaped red with yellow.
Apple representative 2: I guess so.
John: Do you think that is a good deign decision?
Apple representative 2: What do you mean?
John: The designers of the ipod didn't want people using third party AV cables. So that was why they swaped yellow with red.
Apple representative 2: The colours don't matter. There are no colours on the apple AV cable.
John: But we've now discovered red has been swaped with yellow. And that was to add confusion when trying to use a third party solution.
Apple representative 2: No one was trying to confuse you sir.
John: Yes, but changing those colours adds confusion in using a third party solution. The designers did this to make it more difficult to use third party solutions. Don't you agree?
Apple representative 2: I am not a designer sir. I won't comment on design decisions.
John: There isn't any other reason to swap the colour scheme other than to introduce confusion -
Apple representative 2: There could be many reaosns for changing the colouring scheme other than introducing confusion.
John: Can you name even one?
Apple representative 2: Well the colour scheme doesn't matter. There are no colours on the apple one so it doesn't matter.
John: OK. Now that we;ve establish that the reason they changed the colours was to prevent me from using third party AV cables do you think it was effective?
Apple representative 2: The reason wasn't to prevent you from using a third party solution.
John: OK whatever. But was this effective at keeping from using a third party AV cable?
Apple representative 2: As I said the colours don't matter.
John: But you will agree I got the third party AV cable to work won't you?
Apple representative 2: The colours don't matter. Why do you care?
John In fact YOU helped me make a third party AV cable work didn't you? In our discussion today you were the one that enabled me to use a third party AV cable. Right?
Apple representative 2: I won't admit to that.
John: OK. Then will you agree that as a countermeasure changing the colouring scheme didn't prevent me from using the third party AV cable. It was an ineffective and really silly countermeasure. Woudl you agree with that? A poor design?
Apple representative 2: I'm not a designer sir. I can't answer design questions.
John: OK. One last thing. I've recorded this conversation. And I want everyone to know what a good the apple organization has for technical support and how great a job they do designing products. I want to post it on the internet.
Apple representative 2: You do not have my permission do to that sir.
John: But I just want people to possess full knowledge of services at apple. It will allow consumers to make a more informed choice. That's the way capitalism works.
Apple representative 2: You are not allowed to do that sir. I never knew you were recording this conversation and I do not give you permission.
John: But you record it on your end. Besides. You can't stop me from making it available. How could you. You can't track me. ou have no way of preventing it.
Apple representative 2: We don't distribute your conversations.
John: OK. So how do you intend to stop me from distributing it. I' just curious what steps you'll take?
Apple hangs up.
Apple iPod AV Cable
http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/canadastore.woa/wa/RSLID?s=topSellers&fnode=home/shop_ipod/ipod_accessories/cables_docks&nplm=M9765G/B&mco=B5F4A608
How fucking retarded do these people have to think we are? Monkey's smashing their heads with pots have enough brain power to overcome these counter measures. Why did they even bother building them. The time they spent thinking and building these defenses could have been better spent making mentally deficient children from their clearly inferior DNA pool.
The good people at Apple want you to buy a propietary ipod TV out adapter.
http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/canadastore.woa/wa/RSLID?s=topSellers&fnode=home/shop_ipod/ipod_accessories/cables_docks&nplm=M9765G/B&mco=B5F4A608
What they don't want you to know is any camcorder A/V-to-RCA will do the same job.
http://www.oreillynet.com/pub/a/mac/2005/11/18/video-ipod.html
But oh. Apple has put in an elaborate and genius countermeasure to force me to use their proprietary TV adapter. What is the brilliant and elaborate technique they used? What complexity did they instill in their product to prevent us from using the stadard A/V-to-RCA adapter? Well they swaped the red and yellow colours.
http://www.oreillynet.com/mac/2005/11/18/graphics/figure1.gif
* Plug the red RCA plug into your TV's yellow RCA jack.
* Plug the yellow RCA plug into your TV's white RCA jack.
* Plug the white RCA plug into your TV's red RCA jack.
Jesus fuck. No one will ever overcome this elegant ruse. I want to find the person who came up with this idea and ask him if he thought it would be enough to outsmart anyone over the age of five.
But their genius gets even better. If you look at the Apple iPod AV Cable
http://store.apple.com/Catalog/US/Images/lm_altview_avcable.jpg
it's not colour coded anyways. So anyone trying to use it would have to test the different colours in different slots. So their product is just as vulnerable to the colour confusion and the generic A/V-to-RCA adapter.
So first you build a countermeasure that really doesn't work. Then you build your product to be just as vulnerable or even more vulnerable to your own countermeasure then third party solutions.
Just great work guys.
I wanted to send an email to apple. However, it is difficult to find an email address to anyone that actually works at apple.
Instead I decided to phone their technical support.
During the process of phoning their technical support I had to select that I wanted techncial support twice as well as the fact that I wanted support for the ipod twice.
I also had to phone in twice as I was hung up on.
Unfortunetly I did not record our conversation but most of the better points are typed out.
www.apple.com/feedback
If you could please forward this to the person who came up with the idea to swap red for yellow on the ipod video AV output I would appreciate it.
If you don't know who it is could you please forward it to someone in the Apple ipod accessory design department. I would appreciate it.
This email is with regards to the
http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/canadastore.woa/wa/RSLID?s=topSellers&fnode=home/shop_ipod/ipod_accessories/cables_docks&nplm=M9765G/B&mco=B5F4A608
namely
Apple iPod AV Cable
Hey great designer, did you study under Alan Turing? Because you are a fucking genius. I love the way you swapped red for yellow. It was like a trap. How could anyone overcome the confusion you would cause by swaping red with yellow? I'm sure the sales of Apple iPod AV Cable were assured because your defence against standard A/V-to-RCA adapter was impenatrable.
Oh wait. It's not. Please tell me you were drunk when you came up with this. If you're not going to do something right why bother doing it at all? It just makes you look stupid.
But your genius gets even better. If you look at the Apple iPod AV Cable
http://store.apple.com/Catalog/US/Images/lm_altview_avcable.jpg
it's not colour coded anyways. So anyone trying to use it would have to test the different colours in different slots. So your product is just as vulnerable to the colour confusion and the generic A/V-to-RCA adapter.
So first you build a countermeasure that really doesn't work. Then you build your product to be just as vulnerable or even more vulnerable to your own countermeasure then third party solutions.
Good one buddy.
contact me at BigJohn1349 at gmail.com
YOU FAILYOU FAILYOU FAILYOU FAILYOU FAILYOU FAILYOU FAIL
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